I’m a writer.

I have strong opinions about curtains but that’s about as gay as I get these days.

I take an intense interest in people that often gets mistaken for friendship.

I’m never in the right place at the right time.

I hate parades.

Whisky is my pilates.

I demand authenticity in people and yet mock earnestness.

I give people feedback on their flaws and their fabulousness, before breakfast.

I have a morbid fear of polite conversation.

I believe love is just two blobs that learn to tolerate each other.

I loathe repetition but have come to realise this is a problem when perfecting art.

A famous writer told me once at a book signing “think of the thing you are most ashamed of and write about that”.

Right then.