When I heard people raving about Heated Rivalry, a TV show about two male sporting rivals having a secret sexual relationship, I immediately heard dialogue in my head along the lines of

‘Suck my dick’

‘No, you suck my dick’

‘No, you suck my dick’

‘No, you suck my dick’

‘No YOU’

‘NO YOU’

When I heard straight men on TikTok telling me they watched the show and were remotely titillated by the mix of sexual chemistry and sporting rivalry I began to wonder if I should set aside a day and few old t-shirts, to binge Heated Rivalry.

Life being what it is, I only managed to find some time on a plane from Brisbane to Singapore to watch it. I had to angle the laptop to ensure the Indian family behind me didn’t have to watch two men locking hockey sticks. I tilted my vodka in my drink holder to make room, until it trickled down on to my backspace and I was forced to switch over to my smart phone. The Russian guy Ilya Rozanov plays ice hockey for the Boston Raiders and Shane Hollander plays ice hockey for the Montreal Metros, both are the best goal shooters in the league, perhaps the best in the world. By episode 2 I couldn’t quite believe it when I heard the two cock crossed lovers in the midst of a naked standoff say…

‘Suck my dick’

‘No, you suck my dick’

‘No, you suck my dick’

‘No YOU’

‘NO YOU’

If you’re a connoisseur of gay film and TV you will know that while ‘the love that dare not speak its name’ is spoken quite loudly in real life these days, it seems that the only way to wring tension out of a gay male story line in film and TV is to have one or both parties in turmoil about coming out. Heated Rivalry is no exception. Facial expressions in reaction to getting a blow job are a mix of self-loathing and pubescent ecstasy. Maybe it’s all the ice hockey that increases their testosterone but the men in this show seem to really enjoy blow jobs.

The women characters do all the right things enabling the fragile homosexuals to find their true colours and fuck in peace, finally. Again, if you’re a connoisseur of gay film and TV, you’ll know that women characters are often one-dimensional agony aunts who act as guardians of the fragile homosexual heart. They usually have no needs other than to make sure their boy gets his boy and that their shopping afternoons continue without the downer of a moany gay.   

The men in Heated Rivalry have chiselled physiques and bowling ball bums. But being sizzling hot doesn’t mean these dudes are shallow, no they want love like the next ice hockey champion. What’s new however about Heated Rivalry is the exploration of the fuck buddy relationship.

I’ve had a few male friends over the years claim to have had sex with the same person for years without strings. They usually describe it as a very fulfilling mutually beneficial relationship. A win win.

The term is quite gender specific when you think about it, because only men would emphasise the “fuck” the “buddy” and take all the emotion out of it. But not in an attempt to downplay it or even make it sound less romantic but because fuck buddy is a language code understood by men, not necessarily preferred, but understood.

But even fuck buddy has lost its relevance. It belongs to a by-gone era, probably 1970s and 1980s when “buddy” was not just your mate but a small bottle of Coke-a-Cola too. It’s hard not to think of a moustache when you say fuck buddy and I can hear Fleetwood Mac on the record player. I think these days they call it “friends with benefits” which sounds down right dull.

So Heated Rivalry stops short of fully exploring the fuck buddy relationship because Ilya and Shane eventually fall in love and have dinner with the parents. I’m not sure the rules of storytelling allow a full exploration of the fuck buddy relationship because nothing is at stake. There needs to be that question hanging over the protagonists’ heads. Will they or won’t they fall in love? And if it was a thorough exploration of the fuck buddy relationship over a long period of time, the only question hanging over the protagonists’ heads would be “will they or won’t they continue to have sex with each other as their bodies droop and shrivel”. Because is it not the emotion of love that mutes the disgust watching your lover sag in all the crucial places? Or perhaps it’s the fact you never dampened the spark by calling it a relationship or heaven forbid a commitment.

Is it possible to write a story about a fuck buddy relationship and make people care about the characters? Or is the story doomed to always play out like a porno, even with the most compelling script in the world? And if the second series of Heated Rivalry (being made as we speak) was simply a further deep dive into a sexual relationship between two sport stars would we get bored? Is falling in and falling out of love essential to good story telling?

And what about that stranger that rides a horse into town? The most told story in human history. What if he fucked the saloon boy behind the bar, up against the cactus and over the trough, but afterwards they had fascinating conversations about the towns folk and married the sheriff’s daughters to cover their tracks? What if that was it? What if no one fell in love but their sexual connection just got more and more intense? Would we care or would we regret buying popcorn?

Heated Rivalry comes from Canada. It recently won 13 Canadian Screen Awards at the scripted television ceremony, no less. When you think about it, only Canadians could make a sordid fuck fest a really nice experience. Binge it now with your sporting buddy but not on a plane.

Heated rivalry is available on Sky TV and NOW.