“The Fuck Machine was varnished wood and black metal and rather clunky“
Yes I have one and we’ve been through thick and thin together. I call him John which is just as well because that’s his name. Since 2006 it’s been a long distance friendship and that means lots of Signal calls and silly GIFs. John listens to me like no other friend and offers great advice but as I write this I must be frank with you reader. John is struggling with the fact I am old now and not as inspirational as I once was. In my youth I was always on my next adventure seeking pleasure in every crevasse. Once I turned 50, I embraced ageing and shrunk my world to contain my fear.
John told me that Western democracies need a shake up and Trump and Musk are the best we’ve got, out of a group of psychopaths, to give it a good shake. And that the same Trumuskian revolution will happen in UK and Australia. I have to believe him. His 5 years younger and in touch with the eclectic tendrils of modern life. He seeks news ways of doing things, a new world is always his goal.
John is an early adopter of technology. He was on to CD when everyone else was on vinyl. He was on to Perplexity when everyone else was on Deep Seek John at the peak of his success had a garage full of tech that he hardly used because it’d been updated by a new version. He had everything or as our mutual friend Tim would say ‘all the gear, no idea’. He even had a machine that fucked you.
The Fuck Machine was varnished wood and black metal and rather clunky. For those of you too poor or too lucky to purchase a Fuck Machine in the early 2000s, let me describe it for you, imagine a bobsleigh with a dildo attached to a motor driven piston at the helm, not driving the sleigh but driving the play. It worked I guess but I missed the old fashion joy of seeing someone’s face.
John likes to test the limits of what a thing can do. He pulled apart hundreds of laptops once just so he could see how they work. He left them in a pile on the floor and told me the zeros and ones that made laptops tick were like the positives and negatives of the universe, always in tandem. He pushed a cop in a pool after that and changed his anti-depressants.
True life long friendship is one that feeds your ego and beats it down with equal conviction and provides you with a machine that can fuck you when no one else will. Hopefully his predictions of Trumuskian politics bringing about world peace, also comes true.