Even writing “Yahoo” ages me.
I was convinced, like everyone else who signed up to Guardian Soulmates in 2004 that I was diving into a pool of sexy lefties with angular jaws and splash! a man in red Speedos with three PhDs would swim into my arms, although I wouldn’t notice his red Speedos at first, I’d notice his eyelids blinking thoughtfully because Guardian Soulmates was not about objectifying the body. But like so many of us, our smug higher education faces stayed forever popping up in slow rotation (dial-up speed) never getting beyond the first message. ‘Read any good books lately?’ Because there’s nothing like ‘looking for love’ to slow down any engagement between two gay men, usually to a grinding halt. It means waiting a few days until the first date and in that time you’ve blown your load and with it any romantic notions. I always laughed heartily at the men who wasted their 500 word limit whining about the gay man’s inability to defer pleasure. These were the same men that fantasised out-loud about a long-term monogamous relationship before blowing their loads and after couldn’t get their jeans on fast enough. I used to thoroughly enjoy stepping out on the terrace and booing them as they ran off down the street. It wasn’t that I was looking for a long-term monogamous relationship necessarily, I just wanted to extend their embarrassment. A very wise fuck buddy of mine would always say to me “I will probably tell you I love you when I’m about to cum, just ignore it, I don’t mean it”.
I found my husband on Guardian Soulmates, no I don’t mean met my husband I mean found my husband. We were 5 years into our 10 year marriage and I was told by a mutual friend that she’d seen my husband on Guardian Soulmates. I reinstated my profile immediately and there he was. He hadn’t logged on for 5 years thankfully but what struck me was his profile picture. He was bent over a sofa in a pink cowboy hat looking over his shoulder at the camera, mouth agape. I laughed and laughed and went straight to him for an explanation. He said ‘oh yeah I forgot about Guardian Soulmates’. I said ‘what’s with the pink cowboy hat?’ He said ‘no one takes Guardian Soulmates seriously do they?’ I was a little embarrassed because I took it seriously. Well not that seriously. I saw it as a dating site for those with integrity, serious in their search for love. In other words I felt superior because I wasn’t using Gay.com, Gaydar, Squirt, Gay Romeo, BBRT, Fitlads, Manhunt, Grindr, Scruff. The sordid transactional sex sites. Sure I had a profile on each of these platforms but was not taking them seriously. I logged on occasionally to see “who was around” or when I was feeling horny which was only about 3 times a day. Not taking it seriously.
I recently found the below in my Yahoo inbox. Where I keep all correspondence before 2008. Even writing “Yahoo” ages me. Does anyone use Yahoo anymore? Just me and your nana, I’m guessing. Anyway I found this profile blurb for Guardian Soulmates in drafts. An attempt to describe myself. Something, that before dating apps was a thing, you lived out in real life rather than described in less than 100 words. I estimate it was around 2005 and I was determined to divert potential suitors attention away from my red Speedos.
“I’m a writer. Stories creep about inside me and I cast them out in fits of prose. I have strong opinions about curtains but that’s about as gay as I get these days. I take an intense interest in people which often gets mistaken for friendship. I’m never in the right place at the right time but who is? I demand authenticity in people and yet mock earnestness. I sometimes wonder if I fall in love with everyone I meet or I’ve never been in love. A famous writer told me once “think of the thing you are most ashamed of and write about that””
A wise old seasoned hairdresser once said to me when I asked for hair like Marcus Schenkenberg.
“I’m a hairdresser doll not a plastic surgeon”
That’s how I feel about Guardian Soulmates, looking back. It wasn’t Guardian Soulmates fault I was single. It was me. Who’d want to shack up with this Contrary Mary? “I sometimes wonder if I fall in love with everyone I meet or I’ve never been in love” as seen above. What was I thinking? Contrary wasn’t sexy for Oscar Wilde or Dorothy Parker or Noel Coward so why did I think it would work for me? I could have just written “I deliberately make no sense to avoid intimacy”. Mmmm just what you’re looking for in a soulmate. Tick.
Maybe Trump is right, the educated elite need a good slap.
For those born after Guardian Soulmates was all the rage, Marcus Schenkenberg was uncovered whilst roller-skating in Venice Beach, which led to his iconic Calvin Klein campaign. This break secured a longstanding, successful career with roles at Versace, Giorgio Armani and Donna Karan. The Swedish model’s long flowing locks, handsome looks and toned physique added to his overall charm. And I thought a cut and blow would do it. Hairdressers are always right. If you stare into someone’s scalp long enough you can see what their thinking. I think the same wise seasoned hairdresser said that too.