“I could smell his sweaty sideburns”
I love sitting at a bar having a beer. It’s a very masculine thing to do. No one questions a man at a bar having a beer. Even if he stinks a bit. If a woman sits at a bar even for a few seconds, she must be waiting for someone or she’s a drag queen.
Eating alone is a bit different. For some reason this comes across a little suspicious, the kind of man who might also read comics. A few years ago I ate alone in a pub for Christmas and I received plenty of suspicious and sympathetic stares. No one asked me to join their table but I was sent an anonymous sherry which I thoroughly enjoyed.
Whether you want to know this or not, here are the most popular names for pubs in Britain.
Red Lion, Rose & Crown, New Inn, The Swan, White Horse, White Hart, Royal Oak, The Crown.
My favorite Rose & Crown is in South Ealing. I’m convinced it’s the best Rose & Crown in Britain. I eat and drink there a lot and not once have they served a questionable meal or poured a shit beer. The roast belly of pork, dauphinoise potatoes, red cabbage, apple compote is mouth-watering. Makes you snort softly when you take first bite.
To prove my point, a few months ago I set out to eat and drink at every Rose & Crown in Britain and only got as far as the Rose & Crown in Wimbledon. Lousy effort really but I was in need of a drink. I found a guy at the bar drinking beer and I sat beside him. We nodded at each other and I told him the one about the guy who tried to visit every Rose & Crown in Britain. He said “how many have you done so far?” I said “two”. He suggested I get a job. I could smell his sweaty sideburns.
I said “there’s 8 pubs in Britain called Slurping Toad and 76 called Cock”
We agreed a tour of Britain in search of the best Cock had great marketing potential but I was more likely to make the 8 Slurping Toads in one piece. The first is in Bishopsgate, London. If you want a pub crawl done properly, call an Australian. Looking forward to my first dining challenge. To eat and drink in every Slurping Toad in Britain.