Hairdressers are always right. If you stare into someone’s scalp long enough you can see what their thinking. I was convinced, like everyone else who signed up to Guardian Soulmates in 2004 that I was diving into a pool of…
“Robert was a hedonist. He was a hedonist not because he was a fag but because he was a hedonist. The best kind” A crazy person said once that “everyone’s life is a form of psychosis in slow motion and…
The British don’t expect to be happy. On this small boot-shaped island miserableness is patriotic. The British are proudly miserable. In the depths of winter misery is a crackling fire in the pit of one’s gut. It’s the only way…
“We want you looking your best, without the rest“ I’m creating a new app that cuts out the bullshit. It will be called LOOK. Look how good looking I am. Look at me being in all the right places at…
“Coriander is also notorious for getting stuck in foreskins and bras” When the Pho Cafe (Vietnamese street food) opened back in 2005 it blossomed flavour and freshness. Now their soups taste like a public pool after a school swimming carnival.…
March 2020 I was working in a hospital as Covid-19 took hold of the city. To curb the spread of the virus hospital workers were required to quarantine after work. This meant I couldn’t be within 2 meters of my…
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When I first heard about ‘army base stew’ I got an erection imagining soldiers in a spa soaking their war torn limbs…” When I first heard about ‘army base stew’ I got an erection imagining soldiers in a spa soaking…
Morrissey was and still is a self-obsessed jerk but I’d still give him my big toe if he ran out of vegetables. It’s a brave man who has The Smiths in his top ten albums of all time. People get…
He didn’t lie with her until her mortal heart slowed, slowed, slowed, slowed to just a mumble in his big ear His yawn a tunnel through time A window too Took respite in a cave to ease his arthritic thumb…